Off The MeatrackBabies, procrastination and the Beastie Boys (12.2.2006, 17:36 UTC)
Well, congratulations first of all to my good buddy Soccerball who gave birth to a healthy little girl yesterday. Mother and sprog are doing fine, job well done to her and her boyfriend in constructing a new human being. Couldn’t see myself doing it, children to me are a strange breed. I enjoy their company on a self-amusement level (er…that sounds wrong), in that I delight myself in threatening them with all manner of strange deeds (like putting them in the oven, or even more elabo...
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Off The MeatrackIce Cream For All! (9.2.2006, 14:02 UTC)
Sometimes I walk around listening to Rage Against The Machine on my mp3 player and i imagine being an anarchist terrorist, wearing a balaclava and firing missiles at McDonalds and AIB, then hijacking an ice cream truck and driving it into the Court House and giving Ice Cream to all the criminals and setting them free. FIGHT THE POWER   
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Off The MeatrackUnfinished Business. (9.2.2006, 13:33 UTC)
Something occured to me this morning. I can’t finish anything. I start so many things and I just abandon them half way. Games, books, projects, art….even conversations, I even have a half dozen unfinished draft posts for this blog that are just gathering electronic dust. I could fill the Grand Canyon with computer games I bust my balls to get half way through only to stop playing them for some inexplicable reason. And it’s not even that the urge to continue these things slowl...
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Off The MeatrackA List of Things I am looking forward to… (7.2.2006, 18:27 UTC)
Saigon Little embee Ghostface Killah “Fish Scale” A Degree X-Men 3 New Nas Album The Beastie Boys Movie. And if the rumours are true and MF Doom is playing the electric picnic, then throw all the above out. Well, maybe not little embee. That would just be cruel.   
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Off The MeatrackBrokeback to the Future… (4.2.2006, 15:43 UTC)
This is one of the simplest, but funniest videos ive ever seen on the internet. And also one of the most touching…. Brokeback to the Future…. Genius!   
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Off The MeatrackBad Omens. (1.2.2006, 16:17 UTC)
So, as i was watching the trailer for the upcoming remake of the Omen, something occured to me. If the devil were to really appear on earth as flesh and blood and attempt to take over the world, surely he wouldn’t want to give away the game by appearing as the evilest looking fucker on the playground? The second you see Damien, you wouldn’t need to see the 666 on his head to know you have to stab him to death on an altar. (Not that I go round wanting to stab kids to death based on ...
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Off The MeatrackQuestions (27.1.2006, 09:12 UTC)
Why do I have to wait for the beastie boys movie? Am I sad because I recognize the music in this? Why aren’t Queen played more on the radio? What’s so special about the Arctic Monkeys? Why don’t I find Only Fools & Horses funny? Who has my dvd of “Lost in Translation”? What ever happened to Dustin Diamond? Why does this make me laugh so much? How many Wayons brothers are there? What becomes of the broken hearted? Does Bono actually believe his shit? Why did Ar...
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Off The MeatrackNot tonight lads…. (23.1.2006, 17:14 UTC)
Haha..sent in by a reader (name withheld)   
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Off The MeatrackYou’re a cunt (20.1.2006, 14:22 UTC)
Yes, You Your sister? She’s a cunt Your best friend? Cunt Your art-fag friend who sellotapes his pubes to televisions and passes it off as art? He’s a cunt Your mates who are in that ironic band who do punk versions of Neil Diamond songs? They’re a pack of cunts Your stock broker brother who lives in Manhatten and shovels coke up his bellend? He’s a complete cunt Your cousin who got trials with Stockport County and is the next Wayne Rooney and is a borderline date-rapist...
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Off The MeatrackAlf Stewart, we salute thee (17.1.2006, 17:16 UTC)
Remember that one episode of Home and Away where Alf Stewart was going to kill himself, and he was visited by an aboriginal angel who showed him what Summer Bay would be like if he commited suicide, and it was like a Mad Max post-apocolyptic hell hole where kids ran wild in the streets, disrespecting their elders and littering with blatant disregard for morals and laws? One man was all that prevented that quaint seaside town from descending into chaos. One Man. Alf Stewart, surf club manager, ...
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Off The MeatrackStrive, live life, fuck five I want a hundred and eight mic’s (16.1.2006, 17:14 UTC)
yo it wasn’t even like that I wanted my cardiovascular to fight back cupid had me runnin’ circles blindfolded in the daytime with a flashlight looking for her yo, sit back, relax and smell the roses a fly girl by any other name would still be that but the trick is to see that I’m caught in between future’s fantasies and memories I played back told my man I started sword fighting ’cause fencing was similar to tongue kissing if you wait too long you gonna end up co...
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Off The MeatrackLife’s simple pleasures, sleep and Miami Vice (12.1.2006, 14:53 UTC)
Is it wrong that I took delight today in torturing my 4 year old niece with the threat of removing her eyeballs with a toy Black & Decker drill and selling them to Chinese businessmen? Or that I would surgically attach her head to the body of a cat and make her perform in a circus? Well, it was alot of fun… Saw Army of Darkness last night for the first time in aaaages. Forgot how good it is. Fell asleep towards the end ….although I did get my first uninterupted nights sleep si...
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Off The MeatrackArmageddon (10.1.2006, 17:31 UTC)
haha. George Galloway claimed on Celebrity Big Brother last night that “nearly every muslim on the planet” (which he correctly points out consists of 1.5 billion people) knows who he is. What a tool, yeah, im sure the majority of people in Indonesia, Bangladesh and Sudan know who some bloated fat faced whingebag is cause he (shock, horror!) - is against the war in Iraq. (join the queue shithead). This is from the man who said to Saddam Hussein - “I salute your courage, your ...
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Off The MeatrackFat Bottomed Girls… (8.1.2006, 16:43 UTC)
…..make the rockin’ world go round. So sang Mr. Freddie Mercury. But I wonder, has a serious scientific study been conducted into wether there is a direct correlation between women with disproportionately large rear-ends and the Earth’s rotation on it’s axis? C’mon NASA, get on the ball….   
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Off The MeatrackIf I were Derron Brown… (5.1.2006, 12:18 UTC)
If I were Derron Brown, i’d be at the bar getting free drinks, stealing your girlfriend whilst the DJ plays all my favourite songs. But i’m not, so i’m here in the library trying to write an essay on why Hollywood came to dominate the international film industry. Not nearly as exciting as it doesn’t sound too.   
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Off The Meatrack2006 : How do you do? (3.1.2006, 23:47 UTC)
Post Christmas come down hasn’t been too bad, I think what i did was push my body to such a state that even the thought of another night out on the booze makes my spine chill and my bowels shift uncomfortably. The festive period was a relentless series of sessions, all with hilarious consequences. New Years saw me rock the mic in my local with a stirring rendition of “Ice Ice Baby” with some added ad-lib bonus shout-outs to all and sundry at the finale. The December 2005 Vort...
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Off The Meatrack2005 : Good Ridance (29.12.2005, 14:34 UTC)
Any year that gives us “My Humps” by the Black Eye Peas and “Laguna Beach” is deserving of nothing but utter contempt and scorn. It’s raining outside, i’m frazzled from 2 weeks of drinking, i have too much college work to do and i’m listening to Atmosphere. So from where i’m sitting 2005 was a big pile of rancid badger shite and should be condemned as such. I’m struggling to come up with an apt metaphor to describe the year for me personally...
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Off The MeatrackSo that was Christmas. What did you do? (26.12.2005, 09:45 UTC)
Once again, I wanted war to be over, but amazingly the worlds armies did not down their weapons at my whim as promised by John Lennon. I hope and trust your Christmas was magical! Mine has thus far consisted of continueing boozing, excessive eating, film watching and being cold. Love it. I’ve learned that West Side Story is the gayest thing I have ever witnessed. (If street gangs were really like that, old grannies would be terrorising them) and that Christmas for me really starts at abou...
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Off The MeatrackFour days on the trot (22.12.2005, 11:13 UTC)
Wowsers. You knows its christmas time. Saw King Kong last night, its the monkey’s oversized nuts! Much better than expected. Giant apes rule. Special effects held up, lots of action and a monkey fighting dinosaurs. What more does man need? The town was heaving with drunkards, eating chips and shouting incoherently at each other. Even that bastion of nothingness Amber had a queue outside. A queue mainly composed of men tho :/ Gotsta go do some pre-christmas shizzle, and get my St. Stephens...
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Off The MeatrackChristmas Presents. (21.12.2005, 10:31 UTC)
God bless those crazy bastards at google. After making the best email thingymajig ever, they then make the most entertaining thing ever with google video. You can browse through this stuff for ever…..here’s some gems. German Engineering vs Arab Technology The Best Christmas Lights Display EVER Not the father!!! AND THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME > TOM CRUISE VERSUS OPRAH! Pure amazingness. Speaking of google, if you were so inclined you can get Off the Meatrack updates to pop up whilst ...
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Off The MeatrackGet Drunk And Die Tryin’ (20.12.2005, 12:29 UTC)
Well, my Get Drunk And Go Broke Tryin’ 2005 christmas tour continues with wreckless abandon. Last night was the almighty trinity of Russells/House in Rockfield/Amber (a classic), wherein I sang “We Built This City” on a kareoke machine, drank copious amounts of alcoholic based beverages, and did various other things. It was also part two of my vodafone reunion jaunt, where rumours of my impending return to the Ramparts spread like wild fire. It was all good fun though, more ...
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Off The MeatrackYou Can’t Go Home Again. (19.12.2005, 13:16 UTC)
It’s all changed. Everythings different, noone looks the same, they all speak a confusing coded dialect. You can’t go home again. But you can pop in for a visit. In other news, last night I performed an amazing unintentional cockblock. A friend of mine enjoyed the presence of a female variey in Ridley’s last night, and gave her his number. Afterwards she texted him whilst we waited for a taxi and I took it apon myself to reply for my drunken, excitable friend. Due to being sl...
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