SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE5 Years On.... (8.12.2005, 20:47 UTC)
Today, December 8th, 5 years ago at 1am Carl died and even though I have gotten use to him not being around anymore I still miss him everyday. What makes matters worse is I have nowhere to go to remember him, his ashes are scattered in a place that you can't just walk into but he is where he wanted to be. He was the best man I have ever know and I will never find anybody that was half as great as him.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEDeck the Halls....... (6.12.2005, 21:40 UTC)
Over the last while my sister and I decided that we would surprise my mother with an early Christmas present of a new puppy and after spending a while trying to find a female Golden Retriever pup we finally found one in Mullingar. I spoke to the guy we where buying it of and got all the details and agreed to go and see the pup on Saturday morning and if we liked her we would take her. The guy who was breeding the pups owned a farm past Mullingar just outside Ballinashack which is about a 90...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONESAMMY (4.12.2005, 20:33 UTC)
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEHOLLY (4.12.2005, 20:29 UTC)
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEHard to Blog (3.12.2005, 23:31 UTC)
I am having a difficult time at the moment with a lot of things, I am finding it hard to pick up the phone and talk to people even close friends, I am finding it hard to write anything on the blog even though a huge part of me wants to, I am finding it hard to be in busy places or large companies of people, I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do much of anything, I am finding it hard not having anything to look forward to, I am finding it hard being on my own most of the time, I am findi...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEStill Here (27.11.2005, 22:36 UTC)
Just a note to say hello, having a bad time at the moment and bringing myself to blog is difficult.I have to say I am overwhelmed by all the comments of support, I guess the novelty of the Self harmer has worn of.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONELow (19.11.2005, 19:41 UTC)
I am feeling low tonight, I can't seem to motivate myself to get myself together to go out, I am tempted to just head into town and have a few drinks but if I go out alone and drink I know what will happen. I am just lonely I suppose.I have not heard if the article is going into the paper tomorrow but if I find out I will put up a post.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEClosing In (18.11.2005, 08:30 UTC)
I had a terrible nightmare last night, it was short but it has really affected me today and I would love to find out what it means. I was in my house walking to the front door, as I got to it I heard the key going in and it opened, it was Carl, I feel to the floor and he told me it was ok, I curled up into a ball against the wall and he said that some people where here to see me. He opened the door and there where thousands of people outside, a lot of them I knew, a lot where close friends and ...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEeBay (17.11.2005, 08:37 UTC)
I have been feeling quite down in the last few days, I think it is combination of what has transpired in the last few weeks, the fact that I am not feeling well and the simple fact that I think I am suffering from exhaustion from work. I think it is just a case of pushing through and trying not to crack as there is only about a month of this craziness to go until it is over. I am also stressed about Christmas as I am quite low on cash and I only have one more pay day till then, I am relying on ...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEComments (16.11.2005, 08:39 UTC)
A few people have been telling me that they are unable to post comments on the Blog, the window pops up, they write but the comment does not appear. I am going to write to the Administer and see what the problem is so hopefully all will be fixed soon.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEBad Day Averted (15.11.2005, 21:41 UTC)
Well today turned out ok, I ended up getting so busy and under pressure in work that I had no time to think about anything else, I suppose it is a good thing but things are getting very stressful in work. I find myself wishing I could get the flu just so I can get a break from work, I am surrounded by people that are dying of cold but I just can't seem to catch a break:-)I received news today that the article may be in the Sunday Business Post this weekend, it is not definite yet be when I know...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEThat Cotton Wool Feeling (15.11.2005, 11:25 UTC)
Well it is that time again, my head is at me and it is time to ride out those bad feelings again, I don't feel overwhelmed to harm but it is always an option. The last few weeks have been hard, I have made tough decision that although may not be for the best I felt compelled to do so and now I have to live with the consequences. A lot of the time I feel very in control of things, I get up in the morning and go through the same routine that millions of people go through everyday, most of the tim...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEThe Week's Ahead (14.11.2005, 08:45 UTC)
Well alas it is Monday again and I am feeling a lot more positive about the weeks ahead, I think if I could get through last week in one piece I can handle anything. Trying to stay in this frame of mind is hard at time but I am going to give it a go, I had a very quiet relaxed weekend to recharge the batteries so now I am ready to do it all again. I had my first sale on eBay this week end, it didn't go according to plan as it only sold for 99c but at least I learnt something from it and I will ...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEWhat I Am is What I Am? (12.11.2005, 23:18 UTC)
I have made the decision to stop listening to what others want or think I should be, in the last year the person I was seems to have disappeared without a trace and even though that person was not all sweetness and light I kind of liked him, I much preferred him to the person I am now, this needy pathetic wimp. As I write this I am of sound mind, no alcohol has passed my lips since my last episode and I am now determined more than ever to get him back.The old me was a survivor, I had tough time...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEBest Day of the Week (11.11.2005, 08:38 UTC)
Well Friday is upon us again and I will be glad to see the back of this week, hopefully next week will get back to normality, well normality for me anyway. All in all apart from getting a little stressed out on Wednesday I have been good this week, maybe I am just so tired I have not had a chance to think about anything else. I had planned to go to the Doctor tomorrow to get that referral letter but I am broke until next week so I will have to put it off till then, the clinic only do 9 to 5 app...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEShocked to the Core of my Being (10.11.2005, 22:34 UTC)
I got such a shock today, my boss came into me at 4.45pm and told me to leave early to avoid the rush hour traffic, in my 4 1/2 years in the company that has never happened. Could it be that he appreciates all my hard work and the fact that I am the only employee there at the moment that he would give me this 15 minute gift. I have to say I was so happy, it was only 15 minutes but it did mean a lot to me as pathetic as that sounds.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEMore Than My Jobs Worth (10.11.2005, 08:41 UTC)
Its amazing the day I post the blog to say I am going to slow it down a bit in work is the day all hell breaks loose and I get myself so stressed that I was on the verge of just walking out. It was one of those days where everything that could go wrong went wrong, first of we are extremely busy and I am already doing two peoples work so you can imagine when two of the other staff are out what kind of mess it creates. Yesterday I had to, take in 3 pallets of stock, answer the phones, deal with c...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEThe Stress Clinic (9.11.2005, 08:37 UTC)
I e-mailed a stress clinic near to me last week and yesterday I got a reply, they e-mailed me all the services they had to offer and recommended the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for me but I have to go and see my Doctor and have a talk with him and then get a referral and due to the old finances I am going to have to leave it till the end of the month, I am hoping I will get the flu before then and at least I can get some value for my money.I am feeling a lot stronger and empowered this week, I ...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEMistaken Identity (8.11.2005, 22:20 UTC)
I have noticed over the last year I have in some ways lost my identity, I have been trying so hard to become someone else that I have lost the original me along the way, I have been trying to become what I think others want me to be and that is not me. It seemed to have all started at the start of the year, around when I started to get "Help", writing the blog and being very open about harming, I feel a lot of people now see the harming before they see me.In some ways I feel empowered by it and...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEUnderstanding People (8.11.2005, 08:33 UTC)
I don't think I will ever understand why people do what they do? I have made a vow to myself this week that I am going to start and seriously get it together, I have decided to attempt a more positive attitude and start making positive changes in my life but then I get comments back from people that hurt. Some people even though they claim to be my friends seem hellbent on putting me down, I don't know if this is purposely done or whether they just don't think but sometimes one little smart com...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONENew Blog (7.11.2005, 21:50 UTC)
I have decided that because I have past the 5000 mark that I would revamp the Blog, there is not a lot of choice in the templates but I think this was the best of the bunch. I have not much to report, the day went by pretty uneventful, just the usual hustle and bustle of work but I did get some important things done for myself.I called a Stress Clinic close by, I called twice but unfortunately I hung up before they answered, I had sent them a detailed mail last week telling them my problems and...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE5000 (6.11.2005, 22:12 UTC)
My Blog has reached the 5000 visitor mark, I can't believe it.Thank you everybody for the support.
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONELiving in the Past (6.11.2005, 21:36 UTC)
I was told tonight I was living in the past and not looking to the future, perhaps that is true but it is not easy to just erase 33 years of bad memories and move on, we are defined as adult on how we where treated as children, the smallest event to happen in childhood can effect the person you are going to grow up to be. As I child I harmed to cope with childhood trauma and this I have carried on into adulthood, it is a coping mechanism but not a very good one.I spent a lot of childhood living...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONE7 Weeks To Go (4.11.2005, 08:25 UTC)
It is only 7 weeks to go till Christmas, even though I hate this holiday I am looking forward to it as it means the silly season will be over and I will not have to do the work of 3 people for a while. It is terrible to spend all your time watching the clock, wishing for the day to be over but for the next 35 working days that is exactly what I will be doing.My mood seems to have stabilize since the weekend, I don't feel as desperate as I was back then, it is interesting reading back on the blo...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONETime of Year (2.11.2005, 08:34 UTC)
This time of year is particularly bad time for me, all aspects of my life seem to be affected by it as the holidays approach, not only am I extra busy at work but it was this time 5 years ago the Carl was in hospital dying. I think I am over Carl's actually death, well when I say I am over it I mean I have gotten use to him not being there but it is all the other things that happened after that totally shattered my world. I never got to mourn him, as soon as he died I was in America for months ...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEAnniversary (1.11.2005, 20:35 UTC)
This weekend was the 5th year anniversary since Carl came home from America to die, he arrived home on the Bank Holiday Monday, I remember this as it was the day of the marathon which always falls on the bank holiday. It was probable the last time I spent alone with him before he had his first stroke, it's has been floating around in my head over the last few days and even though it seems like a lifetime ago sometimes it is quite fresh in my head.I realize that my behavior is pushing people awa...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONENightmares (1.11.2005, 08:29 UTC)
I had several nightmares last night, maybe it was because it was Halloween. I dreamt that I was being tortures, I had nails put into my skin and each nail was attached to rope, one man was asking me questions about religion and everytime he did not get an answer everybody pulled on the strings. I could see the nails tearing at the flesh but he would no believe my answers and the strange thing is the man asking the questions I found myself very attracted to. I wonder what Freud would make of tha...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONENothing Day (31.10.2005, 21:18 UTC)
I did nothing today, I just did not have the motivation to do anything, my head is quite muzzy and I am still reeling after the events of Friday night. I really scared myself and it was the first time in my life that I realize how serious this problem is becoming. I seem to be on a path of self destruction in the last few weeks and I don't know how to get of, I seem to be on edge all the time and loud noises and voices seem to be grating on my nerves. My mood is erratic and I feel I can go from...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONEDamage Control (30.10.2005, 22:10 UTC)
I spent today doing some damage control, I went to the chemist to see about getting myself fixed up after the other night, I did some serious damage to my arm after I was doing so well and the previous scars where actually starting to fade. I am going to have to go back to wearing a bandage again for the next few months to hide the cuts, no more t-shirts either for a while.I got stuff in the chemist called Bio Oil, it is suppose to reduce scaring so I will also give that a go. I am actually fee...
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SELF HARM. YOU ARE NOT ALONERock Bottom (30.10.2005, 01:32 UTC)
Last night I almost reached the point of no return, rock bottom if you will, I got desperate and everything seemed to come crashing down around me. I went out and got very drunk and decided to walk home from town, a walk that took me about 2 hours, I was so low and I went into a shop and bought a pack of razors, I had to actually break the razors to get the blade out and systematically cut myself for the duration of the journey.I walked up the street leaving a trail of blood behind me, I am not...
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