Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...A professional juggler? My arse. (9.12.2005, 00:02 UTC)
There's a story in the papers which I won't link because you have to register to about a bloke who was fire juggling outside a Limerick bar in 1998. The bouncers told him to move. He continued juggling fire. So they kicked the fucking shit out of him. Yesterday he was awarded £70,000 in compensation because his career was effectively ruined. He said "I was a professional juggler and worked twelve hours a day. Now I find it hard to juggle for an hour." Now pardon me a fucking minute but jug...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...New York Diary (8.12.2005, 09:26 UTC)
I'm not sure if I mentioned this but for a while I lived in New York. From the end of 1979 to December 1980. Here are some extracts from a diary I kept there. January 14th 1980: It's a funny place this, the car horn seems to be a means of communication although I can't quite decipher its intricate speech patterns. Saw Woody Allen. Ran after him so I could trip him up, lost him the crowds though. Met the neighbour. Seems all right. A bit fucking speccy though, the four eyed cunt. Feb 27th 1980...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Torture flights at Shannon (7.12.2005, 00:01 UTC)
These torture flights are all over the news and I don't mean the ones where you're flying Ryanair and you're stuck beside an enormously fat German who stinks like a tramp's cock and has breath that reeks of cabbage vomit and insists on talking to you while you struggle to breathe. No, these are the flights where America, and specifically the CIA, is taking prisoners and flying all around the place beating the living shite out of them, half-drowing them, making them listen to Michael Bolton reco...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Twas the night before Christmas (again) (6.12.2005, 00:05 UTC)
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro' the house,Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; So we unlocked the window, my accomplice and IWhen the little girl saw us she started to cry;'Don't worry', we said as entered the house,'Now dry up those tears and be quiet as a mouse'; 'But who the hell are you?' she asked all afeared,'I'm a good friend of Santa. Just look at my beard!';'W...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Face transplant (5.12.2005, 00:23 UTC)
It was very interesting to read about that woman in France who has had a face transplant. Apparently what happened was she tried to kill herself because she was depressed by taking a drug overdose. Her faithful family dog found her comatose on the ground and tried to wake her up by licking her face. When, after a prolonged period of licking, she did not come around he resorted to more forceful methods and bit most of her face off. Of course it is possible that he thought 'Well, this cunt is fuc...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...There'salwaysone... (2.12.2005, 00:01 UTC)
Dirty Dave came into Ron the barman's last night walking funny. With Dave you can never really guess what the problem might be. He's accident prone, he's got a club foot with bunions that play up sporadically and he's suffered eight massive dropsies since 2001. "What's up you with you?" I asked. "Nothing", he said. "Well how come you're walking funny then?" "I always walk funny. It's my fallen arches", he lied as he hauled himself up on a stool grimacing. "Now Dave, you know that I always know ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...I hate queueing (1.12.2005, 00:01 UTC)
Like most of you, I'm sure, I do not like to queue. It makes me intensely irritable. As bad as queueing is there are things that can make it worse. Bad weather if you're outside, for example, or the person directly in front of you having a body odour problem that would drive you to give yourself a Dirty Sanchez using somebody else's poo just to escape it. Other things that can make it worse is if the queue doesn't move quickly enough, you get to the top of the queue only to remember that you've...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...The war on terror (30.11.2005, 00:02 UTC)
The war on terror is going badly. People are being blown up every day, there is fear throughout the world and everyone knows it's all the fault of Muslims who started this whole thing when they invented fundamentalism and beards. So how can we save ourselves from this terrible threat? War is not the answer as America is finding out. Muslims can disguise themselves as normal citizens and strike at any time because they all look the same. I have done some research though and have discovered a nu...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...People who don't do what they're told (29.11.2005, 00:10 UTC)
I'm sure all of you have experience of this. Whether it's a child who will not pick up the clothes off their bedroom floor or a stubborn twat who will not do things the way you want them to be done it's a frustrating thing. The worst though is someone who is too stupid to understand that when you say 'John, please do not do that again. If faced with that situation again do this' and then you explain what 'this' is in really easy steps. In fact, you might go so far as to make a document with ste...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Emergency services (28.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
*bring bring* "Hello, 999. What is your emergency?" "Good evening. I would like to book a fire brigade for tomorrow evening, please." "What?" "I said I would like to book a fire brigade for tomorrow evening." "Erm...that's not possible. This line is only for reporting emergencies happening at present. Do you have an emergency right now?" "Obviously I don't or I would have said I need a fire brigade now. However, I am going to have an emergency tomorrow night and surely some advance warning woul...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...George Best died (26.11.2005, 00:02 UTC)
So George Best died. In entirely unrelated news 18 vineyards in France have announced their immediate closure.
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...It's not a fair fight (25.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
"Twenty", said Stinking Pete, "Who do you think would win in a fight between Godzilla and Enya?" "Enya", I said. "No question about it." "Do you really think so? You'd have to admit that Godzilla certainly has an advantage in height, weight, reach, strength and, I would imagine, in razor sharp teeth." "You're not wrong there, Stinking Pete, and I'd also say that Godzilla has a distinct advantage as he has large claws whereas Enya has been a nail biter since she was 6 years old and has to ask pa...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Wine (24.11.2005, 00:14 UTC)
I like wine. I don't like whine. That is all. Update: It has been brought to my attention that certain Chardonnay drinkers feel this post to be lame which only goes to prove my point as I like Chardonnay but I do not like being called lame by people who like Chardonnay. So much so that I may not use a match in the bathroom. Further update: I ate a steak so big last night that Bastardface can smell the meat that is oozing from my very pores. So much so he is whining and attempting to lick the ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Tagging (23.11.2005, 00:00 UTC)
No, I don't mean those things put at the end of their blogs so search engines can more easily find relevant information. I mean electronic tagging of criminals which is one of the measures set to be put in place by Fuhrer Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell. Now, I'm not a great fan of McDowell. I think he's a fat-faced clit but I most heartily endorse tagging. Not only because it makes it easier for police to know where these scumbags are at all times (can't you just see them sitting round ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...An Italian trick (22.11.2005, 00:04 UTC)
Dirty Dave's sworn enemy came into Ron's for a pint last night. Pristine Pascal and Dave used to be great mates when they were kids but their very natures drove them apart. While Dave is a mangy, malorodous minger Pascal is a dirt-free, decontaminated dandy. He seems to think he was educated at Oxford or Cambridge and brought up in Kensington when in fact he went to a Christian Brothers school and grew up in the inner city the son of a Guinness barge worker. "Why if it isn't David!" he exclaime...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Films (21.11.2005, 00:05 UTC)
I'm not much a film buff to be honest. Most of them are utter, utter shite but it is a massive industry and some people do take it all very seriously. Actors talk about themselves as 'artists' when in reality they're about as artistic as the bloke who comes and paints your house magnolia. Most of them cunts, some of them are not. Gabriel Byrne used to come into Ron's for a pint every now and again around the time he was married to that girl whose face was on sideways. "Get a round in" we'd shout...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Blogs are more popular than Jesus (18.11.2005, 00:03 UTC)
John Lennon was once called all sorts of names for suggesting that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus but my blog is certainly more popular than Jesus and miles fucking better than those Liverpudlian cunts who just can't stand the pace, can they? 2 down, 2 to go. Yesterday more than 650 people visited Twenty Major. Despite having not been to mass for a long, long time I can't imagine there were too many churches with that many people in them for the 11 o'clock mass last Sunday. Not unless...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Dublin gang killings worse than we thought (17.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
Gangland warfare has come to Dublin. There have been a number of shootings this year, mostly between gangs who sell drugs and they've been scrapping over territory, customers and Superquinn club points. On Sunday night two men were shot dead as they sat in a car in Firhouse while two nights ago a passenger was shot dead in a car in Clontarf. The driver managed to escape however but it's believed he got shot. Now, gangs are not a new phenomenon in Dublin but the fact that they're using semi-auto...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Drugs being sold in St James's hospital (16.11.2005, 00:03 UTC)
Maybe you've seen it, maybe you haven't, but there were reports that the foyer of Dublin's St James's Hospital was a fantastic place to go and score drugs, if that's what you were into. I found it hard to believe as the security personnel in Dublin's hospitals are second to none and certainly not wide boys with connections to the underworld. I remember some years back after breaking my arm in an accident I had to spend time in a ward in the Meath hospital and that was something, let me tell you...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Charlie's fantastic invention (15.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
My chum Charlie (I don't talk about him much but I have mentioned his racing pigeons) has always fancied himself as a bit of an inventor but the main problem is he's technically obtuse, mechanically cretinous and he has the imagination of a shoe. His little workshop/pigeon coop in the back garden is full of failed experiments. There were the waterproof boots which he made entirely from duck feathers, the Renee Zelwegger repellent which may well be fully functional but he's never been able to ge...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...A message from the management (14.11.2005, 00:15 UTC)
Dear everyone, Twenty Major is too tired to post today. He will be back with more of the usual ructions and blackguardary tomorrow. We thank you for your understanding. yours etc the 20Major Management (ie, Twenty Major)
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Do you swallow? (11.11.2005, 00:29 UTC)
I took Bastardface, my trusty hound, out for a walk around the Phoenix Park yesterday. He likes to be off the lead and he just loves to chase the deer who make a sound like an old car horn when they see him coming. He bellows at the top of his voice and although you're not supposed to let your dog chase the deer nobody is going to ask a person with a dog as large as Bastardface to take his four legged friend to task. When we got home though he wasn't too well. He was moaning and coughing a bit ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...The flow of conversation (10.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
"So up the top field she had a donkey. Well, it wasn't hers. One morning she woke up and found it there. We think it jumped over the wall and liked it there so it stayed." "Maybe it was a magic donkey and it flew in." "Don't be silly, Twenty." "Aye, and a fucking puissance donkey makes so much sense." "It's-a-not impossible", said Lucky Luciano. "In Livorno was a man-a who was a-driving to work on quiet road when *improvvisamente* a cow a-jumped over the wall and landed on the bonnet. He had a ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...My first pint (9.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
It's almost like a coming of age in Ireland. The first time you get served in a pub. Naturally, if you were brought up right, you'll have had a sup of your Da's pint or you'll have taken a nip of the whiskey bottle in the cupboard at home. But the day you go to the bar, hand over the money and get a pint glass full of creamy stout is a special day in the life of any young Irishman. I remember mine like it was yesterday. Me and Jimmy the Bollix had been planning it for ages. The day in question ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Madonna is a genius (8.11.2005, 00:04 UTC)
You have to give credit where it's due. How a woman quite as singularly ugly made us think she was so attractive for so many years is quite an achievement. I saw her latest video on the telly the other day. She has sampled an Abba song and stuck a dance beat over it and in the video she dances and when she dances I am scared. She moves like something that could take 6 bullets in the chest and still come towards you looking to eat your soul. I'd say her pubis is like Medusa. One look and you're ...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...I hate cloves (7.11.2005, 00:02 UTC)
I really fucking hate cloves and more than cloves themselves I hate those sweets, I think they're called Clove Rocks, which look like the most delicious sweets in the land. They're red and white and they should taste of something like strawberry and ice-cream but instead they taste like cloves which taste like a leper's snot marinaded in cat's piss and seasoned with battery acid and tramp spunk. I can remember as a child taking one of them with gusto just awaiting the taste sensation to hit my...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...November 4th 1984 (4.11.2005, 00:06 UTC)
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was dressed in a Hugo Boss suit. She was in a white dress. She looked beautiful. She smiled at me from from the door. I winked. It was time. The eldery man linked arms with her and they walked slowly towards me as the music played from the tinny speakers. I began to sweat a little bit. Nerves. I'm sure you understand. They took their time. I never took my eyes off hers, all the while thinking of how long we'd planned this day. All the little details. The e...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...Malachy Wong (3.11.2005, 00:01 UTC)
It was a quiet night in Ron's last night when all of a sudden the door opened and there was a distinct odour of sweet and sour sauce and monosodium glutamate. I looked up to see a Chinese man staring right at me. Normally this would have me reaching for my inside pocket. Not this time. "TWINTY MAJORRR. HOW DE FECK ARE YE BOY?" he roared. "Malachy Wong!" says I. "It's been a long fucking time." "Dat it has ya langer. Now, are ya goin' ta buy me a pint or am I goin' ta have to do me kung-fu on ya...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...This new transport thing (2.11.2005, 00:14 UTC)
So the government announced a massive investment in transport across the country yesterday. We're going to get a corridor, some more trams and a metro about 50 years after everyone else. All this will cost, at this moment in time, €34bn and the completion date is 10 years from now. It's all too little, too late as far as I'm concerned. If you had told me in 1965 that in 2005 we wouldn't be going around in space-ships, or at the the very least superpowerful hovercraft of some kind, I'd hav...
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Twenty Major - still smoking in Dub ...About last night (1.11.2005, 00:07 UTC)
I see my neighbour's three kids approach the door last night with their costumes and bags at the ready to accept all the goodies they could hold. *DING DONG* "Trick or Treat!!" "Erm, trick please." "What?" "I said 'trick, please'". "What you mean 'trick'?" "Are you windowlickers from the special school, or what? You rang on my door and asked me if I wanted a trick or a treat. I don't want a treat as my larder is full of delicious cakes and biscuits so I would like you to perform a trick for me....
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