the personal monkey of jebusBless mehole (#) (9.12.2005, 18:31 UTC)
You know whats getting on my grapes lately? Well, not much, if you want to go all literal and such and make jokes about testicles. My testicles have been unabused for far too long. Instead of a grape/testicle reference, do you know whats been plucking my guitar string lately? People who say "Bless you" after some poor sucker sneezes, if you really must know. The reason it annoys me is that I dont say it so when someone else says it I feel a certain pressure to say it back to them if they happen ...
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the personal monkey of jebusthe hills are alive (7.12.2005, 23:19 UTC)
I'm reading "Jesus' Son" by Denis Johnson. It's more a collection of short stories than an actual novel, but it's also the best thing I've read since....well, since the last great thing I read. "A Million Little Pieces", maybe. Of course, if you dont like beautiful stories about somewhat desperate junkies then you should probably avoid it. I dont have much time to read now, the occasional lunch hour and an odd rain-delayed bus journey, and I'm only getting to the end of the books I bought months...
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the personal monkey of jebusscooby doo (4.12.2005, 23:37 UTC)
I have no levels of concentration right now. I need stuff and more stuff and more stuff, just keep throwing it at me until I cant see. I dont think I'll sleep tonight but I have to try, at least. What am I like? Some facking cant, thats what. Nick Love is brilliant.
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the personal monkey of jebusscatterbrained (3.12.2005, 13:03 UTC)
The best thing about eating a Bounty bar is that after about an hour you can find a little piece of coconut lodged between your teeth and its like Paradise all over again.Last night there was a German film on TG4. It was a cross between Star Wars, Star Trek, The Fifth Element and.....oh, any of the classic German comedies of the 90's. I think it was called "Carry on Beaming". The last time I laughed so much was probably when my beloved dog died. I havent had a chance to see many films (not "movi...
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the personal monkey of jebusFIX THIS! *stunner* (29.11.2005, 23:19 UTC)
I'm getting hardly any emails now notifying me of posted comments. People are commenting and replying to my commenting, I'm just not being told about most of them. What's up with that? William Shatner called, he said he cant get behind that. Henry Rollins also called, he said that William Shatner called him to say that he called me to say that he cant get behind that so he wanted to pass on the message. You dig?Fix my comments.
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the personal monkey of jebusmore homophobic evidence.... (29.11.2005, 21:03 UTC)
Almost everyone I know seems to be coming down with some kind of stomach bug. I dont know a lot of people, admittedly. Today I went into work feeling a bit rough. I'm taking crazy medication for my stomach as it is but today I was sure that I'd be throwing up in the toilets by 2pm, if only to keep my "athletic" figure intact after a heavy lunch of Burger King "Chicken". At tea break I was feeling better (tea cures all) and I was talking to the only gay in the office about my condition:"Yeah, I'm...
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the personal monkey of jebuscrapsticks (28.11.2005, 20:47 UTC)
I was doing my thing today, laying down my groove, putting out my pencils, doing all kinds of crazy things that dont make any sense, when I came across a survey filled out by a schoolgirl who had written down her fathers occupation as: "Employer with Steel Erections" I laughed quietly to myself for about three hours but did not make one single joke. I've changed. You've changed, Ed. Lately, and I mean "yesterday", I've been enjoying "My Name Is Earl". I dont think it'll be on Irish tv until Jan...
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the personal monkey of jebusSweet Lord Monkey I'm Sick (27.11.2005, 00:52 UTC)
1.) First Name: Ed, but Betty when you call me you can call me Al 2.) What Is The Most Physical Pain You Have Ever Been In?: Still nothing beats the feeling of stitches being placed into my penis. It’s a tough one to beat. The stitch pain, not my penis. 3.) Do You Always Have Gum With You?: In work, yes. If I don’t move something I’ll fall asleep. When I’m not thinking about boobs, that is. 4.) What Kind Of Mouthwash Do You Prefer?: Green Death XXXX Fucking Hardcore Man...
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the personal monkey of jebusit could be the booze, but my hand looks weird (26.11.2005, 20:20 UTC)
And those are my winter socks in the background gathering radiator heat for later. Radiator later. Radiate her later. Oh, I will.
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the personal monkey of jebusTommy Tiernan (26.11.2005, 00:17 UTC)
I bought Tommy Tiernan's latest DVD, "Loose", today. I'd be watching it right now but I lent it to a girl in work because theres something I find strangely attractive about her. What better way to impress someone than by smacking them in the face with a plastic box. Hopefully, by Monday, Tommy will have impressed her enough to make her want me. It can happen. She'll associate ninety minutes of laughter and enjoyment of a Tommy Tiernan DVD with me, and the Subconscious Brain Response Theory will ...
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the personal monkey of jebus (24.11.2005, 19:34 UTC)
"So no one told you life was gonna be this way Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A" The Rembrandts really understand me. Nobody understands me like they do. You dont understand me like The Rembrandts, Mammy! I'm tired of being the Sucker. If I get the job that I interviewed for on Monday then that's it. No more Suckering around. You dont get any bonus points for being the entertaining homeless drunk that most people laugh at but nobody is willing to have sex with, no fucking ...
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the personal monkey of jebusJesus Smith (24.11.2005, 08:06 UTC)
A guy in work yesterday was complaining about the standard of Jamaican accents on Dublin radio advertisements. I dont know why, or how, but this is where the conversation was at the time. He said that he could do a better accent than most of them so someone else suggested he ring up and apply for a job as a Jamaican in these ads. "Not a bad idea", he said, "its just that they really annoy me because they're obviously Dubliners who arent trying very hard".Never one to miss an opportunity, I said:...
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the personal monkey of jebuspeople with sensitive eyes....look away now (21.11.2005, 22:57 UTC)
Today, a woman slipped her finger into my bum. I can safely say its the first time its ever happened to me, and it wasnt entirely enjoyable as I had always imagined. When she eventually took it out again, and washed her hands, I gave her some money and left. Walking home was fun too. I dont know how you gay people do this with penii and then pretend to enjoy it at the same time. Maybe if the person sticking you is hot young filipino boy and not an older woman who fronts as a doctor but really mu...
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the personal monkey of jebusblack hole fun (20.11.2005, 00:53 UTC)
As part of my latest "Big Night In" I watched "The Descent" tonight. Six fit women climb into a hole and bad things happen. Thats what you get for not bringing a man. Men climb into dark holes all the time and you dont see us being eaten by crazy albino monsters. No, its you bloody women fighting your way out of the kitchen and then, not knowing what to do with yourselves in the Great Outdoors, you stumble into the path of evil and its bidders. Well, tough titty, thats what I say. Coincidentally...
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the personal monkey of jebuscrapholebungblockers (18.11.2005, 19:28 UTC)
"Coma" is a great song, isnt it? Three days of peace and quiet ahead of me. I may even stay sober the whole time. The hot chick from Accounts came down and suffered tea break with us today. The voice does indeed match up to the body. I talked until I thought my head was going to explode and still everyone sat around looking at the walls and twiddling their thumbs. Maybe they're little talking demons until I show up and then they sit in silence because I'm a cock. lizr0221 has this biz...
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the personal monkey of jebussome points, points for you (18.11.2005, 00:16 UTC)
I’m a godfather. Not a doggfather, that’s something different. I wanted Hobo to name him "Soul" so I could be a little bit closer to James Brown without getting drunk and beating up women, but he’s gone in another direction. "Chuck Norris Junior" was a non-starter also. Apparently I’ll have to have my own kids if I’m going to ruin any of their lives with poor name choices. Bugger."Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" is brilliant. I’m not sure about the story; that whole "pl...
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the personal monkey of jebuscorrection without editing because stone cold said so (16.11.2005, 20:21 UTC)
ONLY the most unattractive crazy women need a bit of Ed Love. Nobody else need apply.
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the personal monkey of jebuspoo dull (16.11.2005, 19:21 UTC)
The woman in front of me had hair like a wet poodle. It was possibly the most definitive she-mullet that I have ever seen. And I've been to Austria. My eyes were fixed into the back of her skull for about ten minutes (I zone out more and more often, could be brain damage) when I realised that she was nodding and shaking her head as if to a musical beat. The movements didnt fit in with The Icarus Line, who happened to be playing on my mp3 player at that moment, but then again, not many movements ...
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the personal monkey of jebusthe Blizzard of Odd (15.11.2005, 23:22 UTC)
It's easily the second best show on tv. CSI Miami has become far too ridiculous for my liking. And I like ridiculous. Tonight the team investigated the disappearance of a hipflask. And I dont like how CSI's are seen as omniscient beings. Someone mentioned a (non existant) country once and then a couple of them compare notes on when it joined the UN, what its population is (during summer) and how its currency compares to the Yen. I'd hate to go on tea break in the CSI building. So, as I was sayi...
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the personal monkey of jebus (15.11.2005, 21:14 UTC)
What if Santa Claus was just some old homeless guy who climbed down people's chimneys in his little red jumpsuit trying to find a nice warm place to sleep for a while? Would people hunt him with muskets at Easter and spit every time they mentioned his name THEN? Sometimes you really have to think about these things if you want to get anywhere in life. I'd kill everybody reading this right now for a bit of toast. You're all lucky I have bread. Otherwise......know what I mean? Bread.
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the personal monkey of jebusanother bullshit night in suck city, the sequel (13.11.2005, 23:11 UTC)
What do you do if you dont ask for much from life and yet what you want is too far out of reach? That's right folks, the roundabout has come full circle again and I believed there for a second that I was my own master. Everything I think about now is designed to upset me and it's almost as if I'm doing it to spite myself. Somebody like me, because of the way I am, gets only a couple of chances to Luck Out and if you dont take those chances and put everything into them then they're gone forever. ...
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the personal monkey of jebusboredom is a dangerous thing (13.11.2005, 17:20 UTC)
Who said: "Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth." and also: "I don't step on toes, Littlejohn, I step on necks!"
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the personal monkey of jebusfoxtrot uniform charlie kilo me (13.11.2005, 15:15 UTC)
I’m no good. Last night I went out with a friend because it was his birthday and we met up with other people in town in order to drink and do all that sort of thing. I haven’t been in town on a Saturday night in a long time. This point was driven home when I tried putting on my favourite trousers and couldn’t get the buttons at the top to meet up. I’ve gained about 15lbs since I last wore them (back in March in Kilkenny, I think) but most of it has gone to the right place...
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the personal monkey of jebushack me? hack you (11.11.2005, 19:23 UTC)
Two completely unoriginal posts in a row? Why not? I have my things to do (ie, sit here and drink tea) and you have yours (ie, click on the cut) so instead of putting unnecessary strain on my small brain by trying to think of anything mildly interesting, I'll post some album covers that came to me in yet another email. I'm popular when I'm not around.  
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the personal monkey of jebusemail from Office of Hobo (made a rain soaked walk home from Ballsbridge seem like a distant memory) (11.11.2005, 17:57 UTC)
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with hi...
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the personal monkey of jebusbloody arse (10.11.2005, 23:32 UTC)
I'm standing in the queue to buy a fucking sandwich. Finally, I submit to the pressures of healthy living. There's easily ten people ahead of me waiting to purchase some overpriced piece of bread garnished with Swedish Sauce. I dont dare ask what the ingredients to Swedish Sauce are because Swedish people are dangerous and should never be confronted. Two people come up behind me in the queue, a man and a woman. They both sound the same because they have the androgynous Posh Dublin accent. Not th...
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the personal monkey of jebuspulling it hoff (9.11.2005, 20:39 UTC)
Burger King three days in a row for lunch. My stomach is disgusted with me. I'd love to get a nice panini or a fresh roll with some kind of turkey (a healthy one, preferably) but once 1pm comes around the hungry people in the Baggot Street area converge on all sandwich shops and leave me with no alternative. Burger King is the only place with no queue; apparently most people who work in Dublin 4 are very health-conscious. If somebody wants to donate a nice see-through plastic lunchbox to me I'll...
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the personal monkey of jebusa message for the SWOM (8.11.2005, 19:06 UTC)
I have officially increased my "days worked" column this year by 200%. Isnt that something? I left work yesterday in the middle of a freak rainstorm. When I rounded the corner I saw my bus about to pull in to stop and let people on. Of course, I had to run for it in slip-on shoes and because of the rain in my face I didnt notice that the ground beneath me was part wet leaves and part slime. The hilarity. I landed on my arse in full view of the bus passengers and then the driver decided to drive ...
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the personal monkey of jebusI'm going to bed, jippos (6.11.2005, 03:26 UTC)
I've come up with a brand new rule for my own country. The country I'll rule when I finally get my act together. You know it's possible, so shut up. Anybody who allows their dog to bark continuously THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING NIGHT will be dragged, kicking and screaming, to the top of a high building and force-fed magic mushrooms until they exclaim: "oh wow, my arms have turned into wings". I visited Abrakestabra tonight. After a few bottles of beer I felt an emptiness that could only be filled by a...
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the personal monkey of jebuswork hard, live hard (4.11.2005, 18:45 UTC)
My last job lasted one full working day. Everybody around me was dead set on a life in Accountancy and, using all of my mighty powers, I managed to escape without stabbing anybody. You may not be of the opinion that I did anything incredible, but have you ever endured a conversation with an accountant? They wanted me to become one of them, I only wanted to earn enough money to drink away my fears every weekend (and possibly some weekdays too). The job before that lasted three weeks. I gathered m...
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